What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
