i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
