So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
