That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
