At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
