Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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