that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
