She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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