I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
