Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
