my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
