Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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