did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
