saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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