you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
