Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
