If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
