Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
