I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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