My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
