oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
