He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
