i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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