I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
