I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
