One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
