Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The maid of honor just puked.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
