"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
