Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
