a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
