so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
