Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
