i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
