Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
