Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
