i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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