If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
