so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
