Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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