you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
