wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
