At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
