I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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