she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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