my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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