I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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