You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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