i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
