I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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