Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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