My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
